I'm going crazy!!!

I feel like I am going to explode, I don't know what is wrong with me. I heard that another friend just had her baby boy today meaning she now has her perfect pigeon pair. I can't handle hearing about people's birth and the completion of their mixed gender family. It makes me soooo angry. Normally I just feel sad but lately the anger is getting to me. I went to my doctor yesterday and told him what has been going on (didn't dare mention GD) but I have PND and have been on major highs and massive lows lately. He reffered me to a pschiatrist to talk to and try and change my meds, got an app next week. So tonight I took a few extra Zoloft to try to help me. Will that do anything??? I can't just sit here and do nothing. I don't know who I can talk to. Husband knows I am on edge, he said 'don't be silly' grrrr. Does anyone else get so angry/uptight that you are shaking and can't sit still or do anything?? What works for you guys?

What works for me is knowing that COME HELL OR HIGH WATER I will do all I can to get my daughter. Ooh, that rhymes!

I tell myself... most of the time... that they might not have wanted the PP.  I never did.  So it makes me feel better to think that they didn't either.  lol. 

I do get what you are saying.  For me it is dd's, even if they already had a dd, it hurts me to hear girl... from anyone.  I wanted one for 6 years... well, 6 years after my son (I wanted one my entire life).  I cried and begged God for one.  So, even though I now do have daughters... it is painful to me to see people who just "get them."  It makes me want to scratch their eyes out.  I get past it quickly and then am so excited for them and enjoy being with them... but that first announcement just pains me to a point of sickness. 

Like I pleaded and begged and prayed and thought I would die without 1... you just had sex.  lol.  I know it isn't healthy to think like that, and it makes me the spoiled brat.... but it is how I feel deep down.  So I understand.  You can't help it. I can't.  I tell myself all day that I am insane and horrible.  I just can't help it. 

As for PND... definitely find what might help.  My experience is that no drug will take away it all... but there are a few that can make it easier to deal with it.  That being said, Zoloft didn't help me.  It may help you.  I have heard good things about it.  Elavil is the only anti-depressant that has helped me.  It did help.  Again, you won't wake up one day and see that the rain has stopped and it is sunny and 90 degrees outside.  However your rain may turn to a cool and partly cloudy day.  (So to speak, :O))  It does help. 

The other thing is realize, that how you feel may be a touch off normal (I know my feelings are) but you didn't want or ask for them.  It isn't like you said you wanted to feel badly about the gender of your children or anyone elses.  I certainly didn't.  I want to be able to just enjoy what I have and stop bitching and worrying about mine or anyone elses.  I want that more then anyone.  lol.  I assume you are the same.  :O))

Get fresh air... go outside either for a walk or just to sit on the porch.  Talk to a friend that isn't pregnant or planning to be (they are invaluable... lol) Working out can spike your endorphins.  There are things that can help.  Kick boxing is good for me.  Kicking and hitting always lifts my mood.  :O)) 

Regardless.... you are not a bad person.  Be easy on yourself. 

 

Oh, I so know how you feel! It seems to make my GD flare up so much more when a) I hear someone is pregnant and b) someone just had a baby and got their pigeon pair. When I found out my DH's cousin had a baby girl six weeks after our second son was born, I was SO torn up inside I actually thought I was going to throw up. I was SOBBING and crying and gulping and shaking and, well, you get the picture. I had to get my Mom to take the baby because I just needed to have a good long out of control irrational cry. That was probably partly post partum hormones mixed in, but to this day, it eats me up inside when I hear about someone getting exactly what they want, even if it's not a pigeon pair. (My SIL had two girls, just what she wanted, without even trying). GRRRR is right! DH's aren't much help, at least not in my case. He doesn't understand and gets pretty annoyed with me about my GD. SO, I would suggest maybe talking to someone about how you feel. I'm considering it myself, because truthfully, I really don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I love my boys more than life itself and I don't want anything to overshadow that. Good luck to you, and big hugs.....

Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your replies! It really helps to hear you guys saying you have experienced the same thing. GD is SUCH an unexpected emotion and something that is not talked about so this forum is sooooo helpful. Grl4Beka you summed it up perfectly when you said that even though we feel this way we didn' twant or ask for this (GD). I would LOVE to be able to wholeheartedly feel happiness for my friends/family when they have what a daughter. I don't sit around regretting my boys because I adore them, but I get so frustrated at these feelings that are always there and the nasty jealous thoughts in my head. HeatherJJ you are right that I need to talk to someone and get this sorted. As you said, we don't want to feel like this for the rest of our lives. So hopefully a combination of medication and talking to someone professional (not my confused husband! ) will help. The exercise is a good point. I do get out and about quite a bit WITH the kids but t think some exercise just for ME would be quite beneficial. Pushing the pram is not quite enough :) Thanks again, it's good to be heard.

You know what helps me?  The irrefutable knowledge that "No one has it all."

I used to live in a neighborhood where the woman across the street from me had G-B-G-B and the woman next door to me had B-G-B-G.  I mean, come on...

Yes, they had "perfectly" blended families.

But the lady across the street had a fat ass and was annoying and estranged from her father.  The lady next to me didn't do a thing with herself, had an obnoxious DS2 and a husband who unfortunately was having major job issues (got laid off right as they found out they were pregnant with DD2).

So their lives are NOT perfect.  Just because someone has your desired gender doesn't mean their lives are "better."

Find something with those daughter-having people that make you "not jealous."  I know it's impolite and un-Christian to be like that, but it has helped me...    

BeebsNBubbs:

You know what helps me?  The irrefutable knowledge that "No one has it all."

I used to live in a neighborhood where the woman across the street from me had G-B-G-B and the woman next door to me had B-G-B-G.  I mean, come on...

Yes, they had "perfectly" blended families.

But the lady across the street had a fat ass and was annoying and estranged from her father.  The lady next to me didn't do a thing with herself, had an obnoxious DS2 and a husband who unfortunately was having major job issues (got laid off right as they found out they were pregnant with DD2).

So their lives are NOT perfect.  Just because someone has your desired gender doesn't mean their lives are "better."

Find something with those daughter-having people that make you "not jealous."  I know it's impolite and un-Christian to be like that, but it has helped me...    

 

lol so true - my friend just fond out she is having a  DS so she will have a PP with no effort grrrr BUT......she has a nasty alcoholic idiot of a boyfriend whose a loser, abusive and a total waster I know its evil thinking this but im GLAD she doesnt have it all! my DH is an angel compared to him!

FullaDoll:

What works for me is knowing that COME HELL OR HIGH WATER I will do all I can to get my daughter. Ooh, that rhymes!

 

 

If it helps not everyone wants a pigeon pair.  That is what I am getting and I didn't want it.  I wanted two girls.  You would think that I wouldn't care what gender the 2nd child was since I got my DG the first time around but nope, I wanted another dd.  You never know, some of these people you see that have the pigeon pair, that may not have been what they wanted but that's the cards they were dealt.  I usually don't get angry about it (except on occasion) but I do still cry sometimes.  I hope the psychiatrist is able to be some help.  I tried counseling through a church and it didn't help at all.  The lady I went to treated my EGD as a sin and I don't feel like GD/EGD is anymore a sin than PPD.  She was a sweet person but bless her heart, I just don't think she knew how to help me.  I would try a therapist or psychiatrist but really can't afford it.  My DH's insurance isn't all that great and we couldn't afford the copays since he's the only one working.  I actually talked to my doctor about adoption at one time.  That is how much I did not want a boy and still do not want one.  I am stuck with what I've got though. DH won't hear of adopting our child just b/c we're disappointed that we didn't get another girl.  So I guess dd will never have a sister, unless I get a delivery room surprise.  Highly doubt it.  (we're not having anymore)

As far as the meds, I don't have any experience with Zoloft, but I took Paxil for about a year and a half for my panic attacks. They got really bad about six months after my dad died and I got diagnosed with depression.  It helped with the panic attacks but I think it kinda cut off all of my emotions. I know different meds are going to have different effects on different people. I decided to quit taking it after 18 months and had horrible withdrawal effects so if you decide to come off of them be very careful about it.  Do it slowly.

Coming here has helped, as well as figuring out who I can and can't talk to about it.  I actually just have one family member I can talk to. I don't try to talk to anyone else b/c of the way my mother and sil reacted.  I talk to DH some but not much. Mostly allowing myself time to grieve and trying not to think about it too much has helped.  I have the type of personality where I don't let things go easily so I have to try to not dwell too much on things. It is very hard at times.  Just give yourself time and counseling definitely wouldn't hurt, as long as you can find the right one.

 

TrixieBug thankyou for your post, I honestly had not ever considered that people may not WANT a PP. It helps to know that and to realise that some people may be envious of my two sons. Like you, I would have been thrilled with two daughters but ideally wanted one of each to please my husband. When I am in the middle of one of my 'bad days' I don't even want to SEE friends or family with a PP. I have cut off some friends who have this because they annoy me too much. So having heard your point of view has helped me realise how unfair I am being. We all get what we are given and for some of us it wasn't what we expected and this is hard to come to terms with. I'm sorry the church counsellor didn't help. I can see how many people would put GD in the 'sin' basket. My own Mother has told me I am ungrateful and discontent with my life and that she always wanted sons. (She got three daughters). Of course I am discontent Mum, I have GD!!!!! I think she thinks I am a bit of a nutcase and totally doesn't get it. As you said, there are very few people you can safely talk to about this. My sister (who is rapt with her PP) says I have 'issues'. Surprisingly my other sister, who has no children yet, says that although she cannot understand what GD feels like she can see it is a real and that it must be difficult. It is good to know I can vent to her and she will listen. Thankyou for sharing, it really helps to hear how other people deal with this.

I guess I know now what I had never known before...you don't CHOOSE to have GD.  If I could choose to be thrilled with pregnancy, I would!  So, this counselor really needs to understand that.  Why is it a sin to be honest?  Hmm.  You know, Hannah in I Samuel in the Bible prayed EARNESTLY for a son.  She didn't just pray for a baby.  She was specific and NOT chastised for wanting a son.  I read that story again last night because I'm praying my US was read wrong. 

I've learned to only share my disappointment with people I know will listen FIRST and not condemn.  That doesn't mean they tell me everything I want to hear, but they know how to listen. 

Telling my sisters or mother is not an option.  Funny how sometimes we CAN'T share our greatest disappointments with our family. 

I'll be praying you can find a few in real life you can share with and they will have compassion.

Bilingualfamily:

I honestly had not ever considered that people may not WANT a PP. It helps to know that and to realise that some people may be envious of my two sons.

 

 

This is my first post - I haven't even introduced myself yet - but I wanted to say that I'm currently pregnant and would love another boy! Yes, I would like to have a girl someday but I would really like a brother for my son. Almost everyone who knows me says "hope you get a girl, then you'll have the perfect family" but their ideal is not my ideal. You have the start of my ideal family :D (I want a large family, but 2 boys first is something I've actually prayed for.)

Isn't it odd how you can talk to some people but not others?  The one family member I mentioned that I can talk to is my aunt and honestly I figured she would be the last one to understand.  She must've sensed my disappointment and me not being able to hide my feelings well, I told her how I felt.  She surprisingly understood.  She had had a couple of m/c and finally had a son at 41 years of age.  She told me how she really wanted a little girl and she and my uncle were both disappointed when  they found out they were having a boy.  She told me that when she had him though, it didn't matter that she wanted a daughter.  She held my cousin in her arms and she was fine after that.  She says I'll be fine too once I hold my baby in my arms and I hope she is right.  My sil tried to reach out to me but her initial reaction when I told her made me not want to talk to her too much.  I did try to talk to her some but don't feel like I really can.  So I just talk to my aunt and have a friend that I email some.  My friend has never had GD, so she doesn't understand it but loves me anyway and doesn't judge.  All she can say is she loves me and that everything will be ok but it helps me.  I don't really have anyone else I can talk to.  My mom told me "I would be more worried about whether the baby is healthy" and other things like that that don't help.  I don't talk to her about it at all b/c of that. 

Sealover, that is true.  I've read the story of Hannah and Samuel so many times.  She did specifically ask for a son and neither God nor Eli the high priest reprimanded her for being specific in wanting a son.  I will never see GD/EGD as a sin or as "being ungrateful."  If we all chose to have GD and could CHOOSE to be happy about getting either gender then there would be no need for this website.  GD has probably been around for years, just like PPD, but people are just now getting up the courage to speak up about it. 

BeebsnBubbs I love what you said about the 'perfect families' having problems too. You don't think about that but sometimes the ones that have the gender I want DO have stuffed up lives. Or else they have daughters who are little monsters and make my lively sons look completely angelic!! yes I suppose it is a bit un-Christian to think like that but it did get me smiling so thanks!! :) Sealover I had forgotten about Hannah wanting a son in the bible. That is a perfect example of desiring a specific gender. Thankyou for reminding me. I too will pray that your u/s was incorrect and that you get the gender you long for. I actually had a big talk with a friend today about GD and how I have been jealous of her PP. She was SO understanding and said that she would have felt the same had she had two sons instead of her son and daughter. It was such a relief to have my feelings listened too and not excused away. She also shared that she wants more children because she feels she is not finished yet. So despite having the 'perfect PP' she still wants more. That was good for me to hear. Anastasia it is so good to hear people also long for little boys! They truly are wonderful and I feel bad that I ever doubted how gorgeous they could be. I really hope you get your two boys. When is your u/s? Keep us posted! TrixieBug it is so good that you have your aunt to talk to. It is funny how people we don't expect to be understanding are often the one's who are! I think that even after I 'get over' GD I will always be aware of it in others. It's the same with PND. I have it and suspected it in two other friends before they actually went to the doctor and were diagnosed. I didn't say anything to them but all the signs were there and I think I must just be very aware of it. You are so right in saying that GD would have been around for years it just didn't have a name!

I'm another one like Trixiebug who's getting a PP, but absolutely doesn't want one.  It's the people with 2 daughters I look at wistfully, as they've got my dream family.  My sister never wanted a PP, and was desperate to have 2 sons.  She was lucky, and did get her two boys, but it goes to show that there's lots of us out there who have no desire for a PP at all, and in fact are looking at the families with more than one of the same gender with envy!