Really struggling with GD-how do I enjoy my baby?

HI, I am new to the GD forum as up until this point I've been OK with how my family has been developing, but this latest child has thrown me for a loop. I currently have GBGB (6.5 girl, 4.5 boy, 2.5 girl, and now a 1 week old boy). People keep indicating it's the perfect family but I am really struggling emotionally. I did not find out the gender for this last baby but at the 20 week u/s I peaked during the femur measurement and thought I saw no boy parts and 3 lines, so I thought I was having a girl and in the back of my mind, did not entertain the idea of another boy. I was really excited about this baby. I had a dream about a week before he was born that it was a boy and I was crying in the dream and I woke up feeling guilty but thought, "oh, I'll be fine if it's a boy, and it probably is a girl anyway" so I didn't examine my feelings any further. I love my oldest son and I figured it will help him with the family dynamic, not being so squished and bossed around from both sides.  Well last week when DS #2 was born and I looked down I nearly passed out. I was able to recover and cuddle him right away, but it's been downhill every since.

It doesn't help that my mother has also made a few insensitive comments: when I exposed my surprise about the gender and I told her I was struggling with adjusting, she said, "well I know your sister is happy she has her two girls." I already have 2 girls, so why does this bother me? Then today she was saying how my other sister was going to have a tough time with her kids leaving the house, ( she has BGB, and the oldest is on his way to college) and she made a comment how it is more of a transition with boys than girls because girls hang on/keep communicating with their mothers. I said that was another reason I was having a hard time with having a boy and she said, "well at least you have two chidlren (girls) who will need you."

My DH says what does she know, she's never raised boys, but in my heart, I fear she is right, that my boys just won't be close to me, or as close. And she is coming to help next week and I don't know how much more of these comments I can take. It's probably obvious that I come from a family of four gilrs (I was the youngest)  though actually we aren't close! Nevertheless, I always wanted a large family,  and I did not realize that I really just wanted girls! I am just not looking forward to raising another boy. I feel like I am just not a good mother of boys, I don't feel excited about or invested in the process-which is so unfair to THEM. This last one caught us by surprise( I was using barrier methods but I think I was low on spermicide) or I would have attempted a sway, though my husband didn't even believe in swaying, he thinks you get what you get for a reason and is perfectly happy and says this last one (#4 ) is it, but I can't help thinking of #5 and trying for a girl. I am SO sad I did not get a girl and am really mourning the loss, and yet I know this is  almost certainly my last baby and I want to enjoy his babyhood. I feel like everyone is getting cheated, as this is such a short time in his life. My DH says this probably would'nt have even happened if it hadn't been an unplanned/surprise pg. so I am lucky to have #4 at all (which is true since he was not on board with TTC  #4)

How can I move on? Thanks so much for listening.

I want you to know that I totally know how  you are feeling right now.  I too have two girls and am desperately hoping for another.  I adore my boys, I really do, but it's just not the same as the relationship I have with my girls.  I have my big U/S next week and I find myself getting more and more nervous about it.  I wonder if we shouldn't find out, but your post has confirmed to me that I really need to.  I really feel like this baby is a girl and if it isn't I need to come to grips with it before he is here.

I did want to let you know that my husband ADORES his mother.  Often I have talked about moving to another state or even just 6 hours East of here and he won't have it...why??? He won't leave his mother! LOL  He is very protective of her and he talks to her on the phone several times a week.  He fixes things that break down around her house and he talks to her about everything (even when she had to have her vaginal tissue biopsied! LOL I know goooooood man.)  So just because you have a boy, that doesn't mean they won't be close with you.  My oldest turns 14 this week (EEK) and he still talks to me all the time, hugs me and tells me he loves me.  He is a lot like his dad and I know we will always be close.  I do have strained relationships with a couple of my boys, and I do worry about that, but honestly I figure if I put the time in to keep our relationship close than it will happen. 

When they go away to college or get married I plan to make an effort to call at least once a week and have them over to the house for dinner at least once a month if they can make it.  I think keeping your kids close as adults requires a lot of effort on the parents' part because the kids will get caught up in their own lives.

((((HUGS)))) to you!  Spend a lot of time with the baby skin on skin. Take baths together and sleep together.  It really helps to form that bond.  In a few weeks you won't be dealing with so much of the hormonal changes as well.  Hang in there! It will get better!

 

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, and for lettting me know about your DH's relationship with his mom. My DH's relationship with his mtoher is not very close at all, but it is really through no fault of his own.She is very distant and cold so I shouldn't look to them as a good example of the future. And I don't want to sabotage myself with preconceived notions or basically create my own reality through distancing myself from my son before he does it himself. The other part I am sad about is just that raising boys seems foreign and unappealing to me, whereas raising a girl gets me really excited and giddy-and yet, I try to remind myself that most of the time it will be addressing their needs, behaviors,etc. getting them dressed and to activites. It's not like I'll have tons of free time to sit down and have tea parties-who am I kidding?! But in the end, I seem to enjoy girs more.MY DH says, elt the boys show you the world throguh their eyes, you may be surprised at what you learn-but Ifeel like I don't even know HOW.

And yes, I REALLY wish I had found out, so if you think you have issues to deal with beforehand, I highly advise seeing if you can come to terms with those or at least get a better handle on them, before the baby is born. I SO regret not finding out the gender now, even though DH thinks it would have made no difference and reality would not have hit until the baby was born-I  think I could have found a way to deal with many of these negative emotions beforehand. I do wonder if it would have affected my birth/effortsto have a natural delivery though, so maybe it was a good thing. I feel sorry for this baby; he deserves a better mother.

You and I have A LOT in common. I have GBBGB and am expecting baby #6 (unplanned...) which we found out about a month ago is another boy. I felt devastated. I know there are mostly/many moms here who just want 'one' of the opposite gender so I feel very guilty for feeling the way that I feel but I am so sad. I desperately wanted our last baby to be a baby girl and as soon as the tech told us "looks like the boys are going to outnumber the girls" I felt my heart sink. DH is dead set against any more babies (#5 and #6 were both unplanned and my DH frequently reminds me that I'm lucky to be pregnant again as he was not on board to TTC at all). So compounding my GD is the fact that we are absolutely done having kids...and DH is getting a vasectomy (which I selfishly do not want him to get...but he won't drop it). We started young (I am 31 now) and I sometimes wish we had waited a little longer so that this stage of my life wouldn't be over yet. My older sister says she's trying for a baby girl next year and I am jealous even though I have no right to be.

I think that my heart had just been quietly hoping so hard for a baby girl that it has hit me really hard that I'm having another boy. I love my boys. Me wanting a girl again has nothing to do with not loving my children equally. My mom, like yours, is more excited about girls and doesn't do much to hide her feelings. She shows lots of love to her grandsons but the first thing she said to me when I was having baby#5 and baby#6 (at the beginning of both pregnancies) was "it better be a girl!" in a kind of joking but not joking way. I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful but I can't help feeling sad and her disappointment only makes me feel that much worse. After the big ultrasound, she was visibly disappointed which added so much more hurt to the way that I was already feeling.

There is a photo on our living room wall of our first four little ones together a couple of years ago - GBBG. I look at it now and then and think to myself that we had a perfect family and if we had not had these two surprise pregnancies, I wouldn't be where I am, experiencing the depression and awful sad feelings that have overwhelmed me because of GD. But I look at my youngest son, DS3, and love him to pieces. So how can I even look at that photo and imagine my life without him?

I still struggle daily with feeling sad about having another boy. Sometimes I think I'm over it and I'm fine and then other days I feel utterly depressed and can't stop crying. I acknowledge that I totally looked at this surprise pregnancy as my last chance for a bundle of pink again. And I know there are moms on here reading who probably feel so annoyed since I am already blessed with a mixed gender family. I try and think positive. I am doing my best to throw myself into getting ready for my newest little guy. Retail therapy has helped a little bit but also been hard (seeing all the girl things and knowing I'll never be buying for a baby girl of my own again). We have yet to choose a name for him. I'm finding it very hard to pick his name as I have so many girl names that I was hoping to have to narrow down...and no boy names that I truly love. I am just hoping that because I've had time to get used to knowing it's a boy that I will deal with my GD as much as possible before he is born. I'm pretty worried that GD is going to linger and send me into PPD after he is born. I'm worried about labour/delivery and if I can find enough excitement in me to properly welcome my new son into the world.

Don't forget that your hormones are out of whack still, you're not sleeping...you are going to be emotional right now even without having GD. So go easy on yourself and give that baby boy some big cuddles. You will get through this. {{{hugs}}}

My DH and his mom are very, very close.  And it's not in that bad "mommy's boy--she's always right!" way, they just have similar personalities and they will often call eachother just to chat.

His mom has always been very involved (involved, but not pushy or overbearing) in her kids' lives (B,G,B) so they all look up to her and respect her opinion and judgement.  All 3 of the kids call her about anything and everything.  She is just a great lady.

It just depends on the situation.  I know that it seems DD and their moms have a relationship and DS and their dads have a relationship but it really depends on the people involved.

 

 

Sheer,  wow we do have a lot in common- I am sorry to know of your struggles, but relieved that someone understands. I am sure I seem ungrateful to some and highly illogical for wanting all or mostly girls-after all, the human race would not continue if the male gender were so futile that we didn't have an even split! But this reaction does not seem to be swayed by rational thoughts or logic, it is some sort of hard-wired preference that has completely engulfed me and I really wish I could work through or completely absolve. I am considering seeking medication for PPD but as you pointed out, it is still ealry and I am nursing so I'd rather avoid it if I can and just talk it out/work through it. That may not be possible though.

RE: your upcoming addition, I so hope you are able to process your emotions. I can certainly relate to feeling the sadness over finality. I can see how that photo would trigger mixed feelings for you.

I am soon to be 38 so I don't have a lot of time left and had thought this was it anyway. Had it been a girl it would have been the end for me. Now I want another chance, but I really doubt it will happpen and if it does and it's a boy, I just question the rightness and justice of that for us all as I don't know how much energy I could give to another boy. Yet I look at my older son and like you, I love him, I do not wish him gone, or wish him ill, and I want him to thrive and enjoy his life and family, I just wish I had more girls. I feel so selfish and yet, there is nothing I can do to make it right/better. I was using protection with my last one and I don't want to do any trapping or lying, so I don't know that there will ever be another accident. DH has threatened a vasectomy. My mother told me I should now tell him to go jump on a fence!!!!  I may start a girl diet once my period returns if not before just in case there is an accident, but I doubt there will be. DH would never consider HT-even though he is not religious he believes in fate and balance and destiny, and that these things happen for a reason. (He'd be opposed even to lime douches!).

 Anyway, thank yu ufor responding, it makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I wish youa ll the best in welcoming your next family member!

My friend's family is GBGBB, and the youngest boy is the ultimate help to their mother. Of all the kids he's the one who cooks for the whole family every holiday, does all the dishes, and when their mom moved houses he orchestrated the entire move for her. He's the most devoted to her of all the children! And he's also a gourmet cook--so you may be the luckiest mom yet!

Yes Alphacentaur, this is also what my DH says, and I want to beleive it,  I want to beleive that I am not that shallow, that my chidlren are not that shallow, that the world is not that stereotyped and contrived as for us all to play out such cookie-cutter gender roles, and my chidlren and I will make of our relationships what we can, regardless of gender. *I* need to lead rthe way by not fulfilling the stereotypes myself, and that is so hard for me. Thank you so much for posting this.

 

Moonbeam11:

And he's also a gourmet cook--so you may be the luckiest mom yet!

Wow, I don't want to get my hopes up, but what a wonderful anecdote! My DH is always reminding me that my chidlren don't owe me anything...I mainly want to have good, long-term relationships with them, and maybe even that is unfair to ask for. Nevertheless, It is so encouraging to hear that with boys it is still possible to have close relationships that are healthy, I have NO frame of reference so these stories are helpful.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.   :(

Just wanted you to know that you have my dream family GBGB!  How lucky your daughters have a sister and your sons have a brother!  

 

I just wanted to add that my DH is also very close to his mom. She calls to talk with him regularly and as my husband begins to step into the role of family Patriarch, he will be caring for his mother and stepfather MUCH more than either of her daughters will. Both of them have moved far away from her and DH and I and our children are moving to be nearer to them, only a couple hours away. To be very honest, I never heard anything about sons not caring as much for the parents/mother until I started visiting this board (I had GD with my first) and that scared me. But my father was so good to his parents and close to his mother. I suppose I am fortunate in that I have seen positive mother/son relationships. It definitely makes me pleased with the prospect of my own. Oh, and even though my DS is only two, I often hear him putting things like a "mommy" and baby something or other when he sees two of something. LIke, 'Here's a mommy and baby whale" or "Here' s a mommy and baby doggie". Etc. Mommy is always the first thing he says even though he is very close with DH. It definitely makes me feel good. :)

KE14:

That is my dream family GBGB!

Just curious,can you share with me why it is your dream family (probably obvious) is it the balance? That's what it is for my DH.

 It makes me feel terrible that I can't enjoy this time with my family as I think for a lot of people it is the ideal, (even my DH who did not want the fourth), I guess it goes to show that the grass is always greener, or that I am a darn ungrateful mother (or both!) I can sort of see how it would be a perfect family, that's part of why I am baffled that I am not happier, and angry wtih myself for being dissapointed.ugh!  That seems to be making the sadness worse, that my expectations were that I'd be fine and I am not. Then the guilt of feeeling bad makes me feel worse, ugh!

I really appreciate your thoughts and for tolerating and understanding my feelings despite what seems like a lack of gratitude on my part.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're feelings are real. I am sure some people think I'm ungrateful when I've got one of each! I think for me it's ideal because of the sibling bonds. I just know how close I am to my sister and so I long for my daughter to have a sister. And I just know that the brotherly bond has got to be the same! Hugs!

Thank you dreamsofisis for your post. I think it is both my parents who have planted these negative connotations in my head. They both clearly have a preference for the girl grandchildren, (get annoyed with my own DS for doing things at their house, don't dote on them, or show as much interest in them, etc.) my father has said he was very happy he had nothing but girls, shared very little interests of his own with us as he feared it would be too much foisting, and my mother has often said she doesn't know what to do/how to play with boys. Guess it kind of left me with a bad taste in my mouth when it came to raising boys, I am really starting to realize the disservice they did to my current outlook on gender. 

 I haven't had my GD baby yet, so I can't say how to get past it. I think you are right, your older son will enjoy having a brother.

I just wanted to let you know that not all moms have close relatinships with their daughters, either. In fact, I call my dad twice as much as I call my mom. I love my mom, but we are just very different, and we honestly didn't get close until I had children of my own.

If we have a 4th baby, I hope we end up with your family make up!