Gender Disappointment

What is Gp?

ThaMissus:

What is Gp?

Your General practitioner (SP?)  Your doctor

Thank you!

Hi, sorry for all you are going through. Being a psychologist in a real life I agree you are dealing with something quite bigger then pure GD and plus the loss of your daughter (terribly sorry for that, I cannot even imagine how it must feel) PLEASE seek for a therapy. Neither YOU nor your son deserve to live through such emotions any longer. 7 yrs is quite long anyway, so please help yourself to live happier. Sometimes we cannot solve our life by ourselves, trust me.

Wish you all the best.

DD♥Odyssey:

tigerlilly3k:

I would also strongly suggest that if you chose to have another child, you go HT - PGD. If you feel this way about this son, please do not risk bringing another innocent baby boy into the world to have the same thing happen.

 

I am going the completely differant route here but i dont think, in her situation, she should even be considering anymore kids. Whos to say that if she does indeed have a DD that she will have the fantasy relationship that she longs for. What if hypothetically, the DD becomes a tomboy or forms a close bond with the father or even the son and isn't close to the mother at all. Is she going to feel no love for that child too. Or look past all that because the child is minus a penis. I think that psyhologically she is not in any state to have another child. She needs to work out her issues with her DS first before she considers bringing another child into this world. I must sound harsh but I just think for that darling boys sake she needs to think first act later.

OMG yah!  I completely agree that HT would not solve this.  She needs to cope with her firstborn and treating him well before bringing in another life just for  hoping it is a girl.

hotdogplease:

im not horrified at all i acutally emphatize with u and respect you for your honestly

its not like u choose to feel this way it not your fault you tried your best to do whats right for your son and you and if you wanted to adopt and family said no well then its up to them to support you more so

i can relate to not being able to bond and trying to fake emotions with gd baby i struggle with it everyday and the fact u lost ur precious daughter makes it even more so understandable i also can relate to not wanting to try again in fear of it being the undesired gender and also the fear of going crazy.

i think maybe it wud help you if you sought help from dr or conseller or whatever i dont know if meds wud help but i get so depressed sometimes i feel id need it too but scared of admitting it and looking incompetent

maybe if you took the time to talk to someone that cud really help and saved up for pgd or micro sort that might help

it very obvious you care so much for your son just because you cant love or accept him doesnt make you a bad person you prob just not well or grieving

anyway ul never hear name calling from me

i think ur brave honest and very human

i wish you all the best im sending all my pink dust your way

take care

((hugs))

Thank you for your understanding, I think about all those things everyday. It's been very hard opening up and speaking about this in an open forum or even to my family. I am trying to figure out exactly how to go about getting into therapy but I'm afraid of having to take meds because I want to TTC soon again. My husband insists counseling as well although he's very understanding and not judgemental at all of my feelings. He's also very interested in swaying and is willing to go all the way with it. We cannot afford HT so EGS would be our only answer and many prayers... I feel a need to TTC again very strongly and I'm fully aware that my time is ticking. I will be turning 34 in four days and because of health reasons the longer I wait the higher the risks of not conceiving or having a child with serious health issues. So I need to step on it quickly.

 I am trying my best to build a bridge toward my son who's been at my mom's for the last month. I actually had him over twice last week and spent the night once. I feel I need to take baby steps here...

 I've also begun leaving the house for a few hrs at a time. Sometimes it's ok other times it's so overwhelming and devastating that I have to come home right away or stay in the car while I ball my eyes out and am able to drive again. This especially happens when I run into someone I know or go someplace and the people immediately ask for my baby or when did I give birth like it happened on at the lab. The attendant looked at me questioningly and all I could do was shake my head and tell her that we laid her to rest on the 17th. It also happened on Sunday when I went to another place and the guy inquired as to the baby. All I could say was "She died", finished my transaction and hightailed it home..

I completely understand when you say you are afraid of looking incompetent but just how I've been advised, try to find someone you can relate to and talk about it. Strangely, I feel somewhat better after talking about it publicly. Be mindful that some may not be so kind, but just keep going and find whatever will help you cope and get things under control again. Take care and thanks once again for your honesty and kind words.

Receiving all your pink dust lovingly. 

all4mymarine:

I know you have always had these feelings about having your son but I can tell you from experience that grief will compound things and take you to places you never thought you'd end up.  Having my dd here wouldn't have made things any better and she could have been colicky and harder to handle than my DS for all I know!

Me: I think you are right, my grief is compounding things and I am finding myself in places I never thought I would be. I think about the hard times that my daughter could have given me too or like someone previously wrote, what if she turned out to be a tomboy or a daddy's girl? My answer is that it wouldn't have mattered, I still want my daughter but yes the grief is compounding all the other feelings I now realize.  

 

My whole point is, I think you need to go to grief counseling to sort out your feelings before you make any kind of decision. Counseling can only help you get through the "fog" that you are feeling....but time is the biggest thing (not going to say healer because you never "heal" after losing a child, only learn to deal).

ME: I am currently seeking a therapist.

I agree with PP's that since you are willing to lay down your life for his and do whatever it takes to protect him and make his life comfortable, there's no way that you could NOT feel love for him at some level deep down. The key is to get that to come to the surface so you can show him in other physical and affectionate ways. There are times when I resent my DS so much I just can't show him love and would love to just walk away but sometimes when you are stressed, you are incapable of showing feelings to anyone and like you, I would NEVER  and could NEVER just leave him. I feel like I need to protect him and help him too but the difference between you and me is that because I feel that way, it means that I love him and I think you love your son too, you just don't know how. 

ME: I think you are right on this one too...

 

You may not think you need counseling because you feel like you are "holding things together" but you can't keep that up for too long, trust me. I tried to do that and it didn't work too well. Even though our situations are somewhat different, I do feel where you are coming from.

ME: I now know that I cannot keep holding things together.

Edited:  I just wanted to add since reading the last part of your PP that I don't "get" boys either. I find it very difficult to understand my ds. He's nothing like me at all. I was very good in school and very well behaved and girly. He's all boy and lots of trouble and has a hard time learning. I desperately wanted a girl that I felt I could relate to and would be like me. I grieved over that dd (or any child, no matter the gender!!) that was going to be like me. But like I said before, you just don't know! My dd (or subsequent child) could have been a tom boy and not into girly things. She could have had trouble at school and been to the principal's office twice within the first month of school. I have this dream in my head of what my dd would have been like and that's all I have to go on. But I am starting to learn to let go of what I think things would have been like because it only makes me resent my ds more. Your ds is an individual. He can't help his gender and he sounds like he is a very good kid and there are tons of reasons to love him, not only those reasons but the fact that he is part of YOU. Sounds like you are just resolved that this is the way things are going to be and they don't have to be, they really don't. You need to find that wall that is preventing you from moving forward with loving your own son and knock it down no matter how big it is or how long it takes!! Your son needs all of you, not just part of you

ME: Once again, you are right, I'm just trying to figure out how... ( the same way that I'm trying how to figure out how to quote in this reply!)

ME: Thanks for your support and understanding once again...

Fi-NZ:

People don't read all my posts? Damn, I could've told her exactly what I think of her, instead of trying to disguise my disgust with tact.

Thank you for not being mean, it's already hard enough opening up and talking about this for the first time.

Chloe&kids:

I am beginning to think CC is right, it probably was just fishing.

Please pardon my ignorance as I am still tryiing to learn all the acronyms and such used here, but what is "fishing"?

ThaMissus:

Chloe&kids:

I am beginning to think CC is right, it probably was just fishing.

Please pardon my ignorance as I am still tryiing to learn all the acronyms and such used here, but what is "fishing"?

I don't think you are THAT ignorant? 

But basically, there are a few people who might have been slightly suspicious of your authenticity. I can't speak for them now, but that was the implication back when you first posted about your son. (Myself included, just in case anyone thinks I'm pointing fingers.)

 Yours wasn't as bad as some we have seen on here but some people i guess didnt think that such a situation could be for real. But knowing that it was a true situation we will be here to offer you all the support you need.

Hello ladies,

Thank you all for your kind words.  I don't know how to begin agin since I've been gone for so long. I don't think I even had the opportunity to reply to some of you. I haven't been well since I last wrote. My mind finally decided to pull a fast one on me and did a shut down. I was hospitalized for a bit...This week is the first time I've been able to come back here and communicate once again. I haven't been to the cemetery in a while either but whenever I try something just keeps getting in the way. Maybe it's just as well for now... How have you all been?

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

                                                                                                                                                                                 Rose Kennedy