Can't seem to cope with the gender disappointment

Hello,

 I found this site on a google search for gender disappointment.  I am almost 23 weeks pregnant and I found out at 18 weeks that I was having a boy.  I was devistated I cried so hard all the way home that I could barely see where I was going.  Then when I got home my dd who is 3 started crying saying I don't want a boy mommy boys bite and hit.  This is all she knows of my nephew he is always biting and hitting here, then my husband came home and we all cried. 

I am ashamed to say none of us wanted a boy we all wanted a girl.  My husband is passed it and is now getting excited my daughter still says its a girl AND ME day in and day out I prayed for God to take this baby because I wouldn't be a good mom to a boy then I got passed that part and now I search everyday on the internet that the U/S tech was way wrong and its really a girl but then I think she has 15 years experience I am sure she isn't wrong and yet everyday I pray she is and this baby is really a girl. 

I have no desire to buy a thing I even stopped eating for a while.  I don't know why I can't get passed this and everyone thinks I am selfish and should be ashamed of myself for thinking this way but it is actually making me depressed and I am worried it will add and make my PPD come back when this baby is born.  

I can certainly understand your feelings in relation to what you have seen/experienced of boys, and even more important is your concern about PPD. I can assure you from my own experience not all boys are like that, really. If I were in your position I would strongly consider finding a therapist to work through your feelings and ease you into becoming a mother to an undesired gender. While I have my own feelings of GD, I can tell you that my DS is very loving and has NEVER bitten me, in fact it is my 2 DDs who hit me and are rough to me and mean to their siblings, my DS is the one who gets beaten up on much more than he does the beating, truly. My GD is a more selfish thing about not having as many girls to share my life with, but not about a fear of my son being violent and abusive, DS #1 is not like that at all, and I think so much of that is about how you raise them (i.e. how mcuh violence they see/are exposed to).  Not all boys hit and bite, many are gentle, loving, and cuddly, while my son IS high energy in comparison to the girls, it's more about a need to be outside dispensing of his energy, he is truly full of love and I'll bet yours has that potential. I would definitely consider talking to a professional about your feelings, I bet it will help you feel SO much better to know you have someone impartial to turn to.

 I am sorry you are not in a good place right now. GD is so hard! But I can tell you that little boys are sweet andloving, and your baby will love you so much it will amaze you. Also, I have a daughter and son who adore each other and play together and are the best of friends. Your baby boy will fit right in your family.

Just wanted to add, I also agree with hobbermittens, while my DD#1 and DS##2  fight a lot, and DD#!1 did not like him when he wasborn, they are pretty inseparable as playmates, (they seem to know no GD!) and even exclude DD#3  a lot because they are so involved in their game. They are 25 months apart so that is defitnely part of it, but even at 3 years your children will probably play well together.

twoavocados:

I can certainly understand your feelings in relation to what you have seen/experienced of boys, and even more important is your concern about PPD. I can assure you from my own experience not all boys are like that, really. If I were in your position I would strongly consider finding a therapist to work through your feelings and ease you into becoming a mother to an undesired gender. While I have my own feelings of GD, I can tell you that my DS is very loving and has NEVER bitten me, in fact it is my 2 DDs who hit me and are rough to me and mean to their siblings, my DS is the one who gets beaten up on much more than he does the beating, truly. My GD is a more selfish thing about not having as many girls to share my life with, but not about a fear of my son being violent and abusive, DS #1 is not like that at all, and I think so much of that is about how you raise them (i.e. how mcuh violence they see/are exposed to).  Not all boys hit and bite, many are gentle, loving, and cuddly, while my son IS high energy in comparison to the girls, it's more about a need to be outside dispensing of his energy, he is truly full of love and I'll bet yours has that potential. I would definitely consider talking to a professional about your feelings, I bet it will help you feel SO much better to know you have someone impartial to turn to.

Thank you very much for not judging my feeling of boys in general.  Alot of my friends whom have boys have told me its parenting not the actual child which I hope so much is true.  I also completely agree with you about finding a therapist to speak with because I can't seem to get passed this but I just now bury my feelings because everyone looks at me so harshly. 

I have a doc appt at the end of the month and will speak with him about counselling and someone he would suggest to speak with about everything I am feeling.

twoavocados:

I can certainly understand your feelings in relation to what you have seen/experienced of boys, and even more important is your concern about PPD. I can assure you from my own experience not all boys are like that, really. If I were in your position I would strongly consider finding a therapist to work through your feelings and ease you into becoming a mother to an undesired gender. While I have my own feelings of GD, I can tell you that my DS is very loving and has NEVER bitten me, in fact it is my 2 DDs who hit me and are rough to me and mean to their siblings, my DS is the one who gets beaten up on much more than he does the beating, truly. My GD is a more selfish thing about not having as many girls to share my life with, but not about a fear of my son being violent and abusive, DS #1 is not like that at all, and I think so much of that is about how you raise them (i.e. how mcuh violence they see/are exposed to).  Not all boys hit and bite, many are gentle, loving, and cuddly, while my son IS high energy in comparison to the girls, it's more about a need to be outside dispensing of his energy, he is truly full of love and I'll bet yours has that potential. I would definitely consider talking to a professional about your feelings, I bet it will help you feel SO much better to know you have someone impartial to turn to.

Thank you very much for not judging my feeling of boys in general.  Alot of my friends whom have boys have told me its parenting not the actual child which I hope so much is true.  I also completely agree with you about finding a therapist to speak with because I can't seem to get passed this but I just now bury my feelings because everyone looks at me so harshly. 

I have a doc appt at the end of the month and will speak with him about counselling and someone he would suggest to speak with about everything I am feeling.

Thank you I pray they do get along like to peas in a pod. 

Sorry about all the posts ladies my computer seemed to have a clich and wasn't saying it posted but it obviously did many times

 I would never judge you, as I have had to struggle with lots of GD and misconceptions as well. In fact it helped me to see this fear articualted by you as I realized wow, I had that fear of violence once and my son has completely dispelled it. So you aren't alone. When DD was just a baby/toddler and I had mom friends with boys, I would see them bite and think, thank goodness I don't have a boy. Now that I have one, I realize that they are not all biters, and they can actually be so loving it's really wonderful No you can't dress them in pink dresses and you probably can't make them sit still and sip tea carefully, but you CAN hug them and read to them and talk to them and play with them, and they will play with your girl(s)!

 RE: the therapist, I could not live without mine, really. I only see him once a month but I really do need that safe place to go and rid myself of feelings I can't share elsewhere or that friends and family might judge too harshly. It has been so important for me to work through any feeelings or problems with someone outside of my personal circle, I wouldn't trade it for the world, I think it would be a real weight lifted off of you to know you had somewhere to go with these intense emotions-you could probably even call your PCP and just a get a referral/recommendation. GL!

I booked in with a therapist today and I am praying they can help me get thru this.  I am very very worried about my PPD and really not wanting anything to do with my baby

jamsing:

Thank you very much for not judging my feeling of boys in general.  Alot of my friends whom have boys have told me its parenting not the actual child which I hope so much is true. 

 Sorry came in late to this topic.  Just want to reiterate what your friends have told you about boys.  It is parenting. 

I know b/c I have two very fine well behaved boys.  never bite, nor bit...they don't yell, throw things.  Hug their mother, kiss their mother daily.  And I am amazed at how much they simply love each other.  It's no accident, if I can pat myself on the back, just this once. 

I do want to say however, my SIL was in your shoes exactly.  She had a daughter first and with her second pregnancy felt exactly as you.  How she handled it?  She totally ignores/ignored her son.  She favors her daughter to the point of the boy, wanting to do girl things with them so he can get her attention.

It didn't work.  He is now 12 and has severe emotional issues.  He doesn't know how to play with other boys or girls for that matter.  He is probably the boy most women would stereotype...loud, throws things, hurts others.  This is a direct effect of mom not bonding or caring about him, from infancy on.  It breaks my heart.  It didn't have to be that way. 

Don't make that mistake.  Your little boy will give back what you give to him.  LOVE HIM to pieces and he will LOVE you back.  If it's love you desire, a boy will give it right back and then some.  No you won't have frilly dresses or tea parties.  And later in life, he might not be a chatty son, but the same might be true of your daughter.